The Wildest Job Posting of 2025
Cat here. I am going into month two of my job search since the company layoff. Not gonna lie - it’s super tough trying to find an office job during the holiday season. Between holiday parties, the end of the fiscal year, and the finalization of strategic goals for next year, non-seasonal hiring has slowed significantly.
Now that doesn’t mean hiring has come to a complete stop. There are a few gems out there. I like to find humor when things get tough, and boy did I find it! Check out this posting below:
Can I start by saying ya’ll? YA’LL!!? What in the ketamine-imagined role is this?
The Pay
Let’s start here: the hours versus the pay. Let’s say we take the average: $105K salary for a typical 40-hour week = ~$50/hour. Cool, right? Now take that same pay spread across their average 75-hour week, and suddenly you’re making just under $27/hour. Not cool. Doesn’t matter how many hours you put in — the paycheck doesn’t magically get bigger.
And THEN…
This is a 1099 contractor role.
Let me pause and say this loudly: there is absolutely nothing wrong with 1099 contracting. I’ve done 1099 work and loved the freedom that comes with it. But you know what you don’t get as a contractor?
No PTO
No paid holidays
No health insurance
No retirement contributions
No unemployment eligibility
No equipment stipend
No safety net
No “I can’t work today because I’m sick.”
On top of that, you’re responsible for self-employment taxes, which are about 15.3% right off the top, plus federal, state, healthcare, equipment, and every expense an employer would normally cover. As a contractor, you typically build these costs into your contract.
So that $105K for this role? Working 75 hours a week as a 1099 contractor making $105K in Los Angeles, minus the self-employment taxes, taxable income after deductions, and state/federal taxes, leaves you with about $18.40/hour.
Before buying health insurance.
Before covering PTO.
Before holidays.
Before equipment.
Before literally anything else.
Ya’ll. This ain’t right. Shall we continue?
The Phrasing
🚩EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT / LIFE ARCHITECT TO FOUNDER
Already a red flag. If a job title sounds like it was created during a microdose session, keep scrolling. You’re not “architecting” their life. You’re just the person who’s going to find their passport and remind them to eat protein.
🚩 Life Management (CRITICAL)
What does this even mean? Their “Life Management” sounds a lot like “Be my mother, therapist, nutritionist, concierge, accountability coach, and emotional support human” — all for crap pay.
🚩 GOD-TIER research: deliver fast, accurate, exhaustive results
I’m sorry — GOD-TIER? Are we playing World of Warcraft or applying for an executive assistant job? This isn’t a video game. This is someone’s actual life, and apparently, they need you to speedrun all their problems.
🚩 Highly communicative (silence = death)
“Silence = death” is a slogan tied to the AIDS epidemic, queer trauma, and literal life or death activism from the 1980s. This isn't fun or edgy - this shows that there is no HR oversight, no understanding of cultural context, and definitely no professionalism.
To me, this screams, “This company has no boundaries.”
🚩 Team trips (optional for females, expected for males who choose the travel model)
What in the HR violation is this? How is this written down, publicly, on the internet, in the year of our Lord 2025?
“Optional for females”?
“Expected for males”?
This sounds like the beginning of a Title IX complaint.
🚩 Expected response time: instantaneous or near-instantaneous
So basically:
You are always on.
Time zones don’t exist.
Weekends are theoretical.
🚩 We are offering a once-in-a-lifetime partnership with two founders who move at the speed of light.
Every founder thinks they “move at the speed of light.”
What they mean is:
“We change our minds constantly.”
“We plan on chaos mode.”
“We will text you at 3AM with a ‘quick question.’”
This is a once-in-a-lifetime warning.
The Instant Disqualifiers
Gotta address this one: the Instant Disqualifiers
❌ No iPhone / No iMessage
Not “no experience.”
Not “no professionalism.”
Not “no skills.”
Just… no iPhone….WHAT???
❌ Mentions ‘work-life balance,’ ‘boundaries,’ ‘burnout’
Ah yes, the holy trinity of things healthy adults value. Imagine disqualifying someone for wanting a personal life.
❌ Low energy
Low energy? My brothers in Christ… you’re asking for 80+ hour weeks.
At that pace, the only things with that much energy are toddlers and cocaine, and neither of them should be your baseline.
❌ Can’t commit to 70–80+ hours/week (Mon–Sat)
Let me repeat:
This is a 1099 contractor role.
With a flat rate.
For six days a week at startup intensity.
[IRS stares heinously in Worker Misclassification mode]
❌ Uses Windows (unless you’re so good we buy you a MacBook)
If your company model relies on an EA’s operating system… you’ve got bigger issues.
❌ Does not use AI daily
Daily?
For…?
Grocery lists? Apology texts to the founder? Emotional stabilization prompts? This is the first job posting I’ve seen that requires ChatGPT emotional codependence.
In Conclusion
Job postings like this are exactly why burnout is at an all-time high. Companies dress chaos up as “opportunity,” exploit contractors under the guise of “flexibility,” and then wonder why nobody wants to apply.
Here’s the truth:
You deserve better than 80-hour weeks disguised as “entrepreneurial spirit.”
You deserve benefits, boundaries, and sleep.
And you deserve employers who don’t treat green text bubbles as a moral failing.
Swipe left on this one, ya’ll.
